HEMLOCK

My current roommate seemed pretty cool at first, until I realized that she sleeps ALL THE TIME. When I leave for my 9AM class, she's asleep. When I come back at around noon, she's asleep. After my 3PM class, she's asleep.

She wakes up at around 11PM, does homework until 3AM, then sleeps again. I literally couldn't make a sound in my room, EVER, or she would flip out. Well last weekend she went to visit home. We had just made a grocery run, and she bought TONS of perishable foods.

So after she left, I unplugged her fridge. On Sunday, when I knew she was about five minutes away, I plugged it back in. She basically came back to a hundred bucks of rotten food. Luckily she's not smart enough to realize what happened. Oops.

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."