BEWBS TAKE EVERYTHING BAD AWAY

On Sunday, Northern Italy was rocked by a magnitude-6.0 earthquake. In the process, many cheese factories in the region suffered damage-and it is estimated that over 300,000 wheels of cheese, thought to be worth at least £202 million, have been destroyed.

The region, just north of the city of Bologna, is most famous for its Parmesan and Grana Padano. As the earthquake struck, wheels of the cheeses-which can weigh up to 90 pounds-came toppling from their storage shelves.

There's no word on what will happen to the cheese, but you can bet some of the factory's employees are rolling them home as we speak. There will be some pretty stinky pasta doing the rounds this week, that's for sure.

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot. The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager's natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: "Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn't signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don't we?

"After that, it's a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they're currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr's testicles.