LOUIS C.K.

Two dejected armed cops stare blankly into space after smashing their £30,000 patrol car into a set of infamous rise-and-fall traffic bollards.

The officers from an elite Tactical Firearms Unit, were heading to an incident when the electronically operated bollards - designed to let buses onto a restricted road - rose up under their unmarked BMW 530i and wrecked the front of the vehicle.

The male and female PCs - both sporting body armour with guns in their holsters - had to wait an excruciating two hours for a tow truck to take the wrecked police car away - whilst laughing onlookers took pictures with their mobile phones.

A NEW internet is to be created for people who like writing comments, so everyone else can enjoy surfing the web without their torrents of bile.

The new web, dubbed 'Masturnet' after users' penchant for literal and metaphorical self-indulgence, will be just pictures of things with the question 'Why do you hate this?' underneath.

Google-built algorithms will reward commenters by adding random numbers of Facebook Likes or retweets, giving users the false impression that they're not just screaming their repugnant semi-literate vitriol into an ocean of white noise.