MICKY FLANAGAN AT BRIGHTON COMEDY FESTIVAL

A NEW internet is to be created for people who like writing comments, so everyone else can enjoy surfing the web without their torrents of bile.

The new web, dubbed 'Masturnet' after users' penchant for literal and metaphorical self-indulgence, will be just pictures of things with the question 'Why do you hate this?' underneath.

Google-built algorithms will reward commenters by adding random numbers of Facebook Likes or retweets, giving users the false impression that they're not just screaming their repugnant semi-literate vitriol into an ocean of white noise.

OWNERS of Mazda's popular affordable roadster are certain they attract admiring glances, it has been claimed.

As the weather improves, the reasonably-priced sports car containing balding men and their wives is once again ubiquitous on UK roads. And according to research by the Institute for Studies, 94% of Mx-5 drivers would describe themselves as 'cool'.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Although this little car has obvious merits, it is perhaps less charismatic than the middle-managers and hairdressers that drive it like to believe. I mean, you wouldn't see George Clooney driving one, unless he'd just had an incredibly expensive divorce."