RESERVOIR TURTLES

SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.

The Iron Lady, starring Meryl Streep as Britain's first sexy prime minister, focuses on Thatcher's political career but fails, according to leading Tories, to accurately depict the seething, erotic menace with which she could instantly fill a room.

Chancellor George Osborne said: "Meryl Streep never played a sexy role in her life, though I suppose hypothetically she did triple-team the blokes in Mamma Mia. "I was thinking more Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris. Or maybe Ursula from The Little Mermaid."

A NEW thriller about a troubled Goth who covers her body in corporate logos has sparked debate about film sponsorship. the Steig Larsson novel, The Girl With The Apple Tattoo tells the story of Lisbeth Santander, a vengeful young girl with a really helpful bank whose only friend is disgraced journalist and coffee lover Mikel Nescafe.

Starring Rooney Mara, the film shows Santander endure harrowing violence, sustained only by her faith in a number of multinational companies whose logos she has tattooed on her body.

Director Stephen Malley said: "The apple across Lisbeth's shoulder blades is symbolic of her battle with cumbersome PC operating systems, and the rage that shitty Windows browsers have instilled in her."