DON'T JERK OFF TO THIS

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."

The shark was spotted by the pilot at an altitude of 7,000 ft over Christchurch International Airport in New Zealand. Glen Kenny, president of the New Zealand Air Line Pilots' Association, explained the inflatable shark actually had very little bite.

'The engine probably wouldn't stop, but it would do a bit of damage,' he said. 'Helium is an inert gas, so there's no issue in that regard. The biggest hazard would be startling the pilot.'

The bizarre sighting was just one of a string of unusual flying shark sightings across New Zealand, thanks to the popular Christmas gift known as Air Swimmers - remote-controlled helium fish.