STARGATE STUDIOS VIRTUAL BACKLOT

JCB's Toughphone range of horrendously pimped black & yellow mobiles has been updated with a proper smartphone option, thanks to the Android-powered Toughphone Pro-Smart.

However, it is neither very smart or particularly professional. Beneath that appalling rugged plastic casing sits a small 3.2? touch screen, which is powered by a rather weedy 800MHz processor. Android 2.3 is the OS. It's a 2009 Android phone in a 1979 case, basically.

It's not all bad, though. JCB's added a 2000mAh battery to the thing, so it ought to stay alive for longer then the numerous higher-spec Android models out there, plus you get a two-year warranty thanks to the protective nature of that monstrous plastic and its IP67 water-resistant certification.

As the government announced plans to monitor all emails, texts and website views in the UK, it was warned to brace itself for a level of smut and depravity previously thought impossible.

The Home Office said it was bringing forward plans for web monitoring as soon as parliament will allow, insisting that you have nothing to worry about unless you're a terrorist or prefer things a little kinky from time to time.

A Home Office spokesperson said, "In the ongoing battle against terrorism, it's important that we know how many photos of your genitals you've sent to sexual partners in the last few years. Don't worry, we're fully prepared for what we might find."