COLLEGE HUMOR SLASHER

SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.

The Iron Lady, starring Meryl Streep as Britain's first sexy prime minister, focuses on Thatcher's political career but fails, according to leading Tories, to accurately depict the seething, erotic menace with which she could instantly fill a room.

Chancellor George Osborne said: "Meryl Streep never played a sexy role in her life, though I suppose hypothetically she did triple-team the blokes in Mamma Mia. "I was thinking more Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris. Or maybe Ursula from The Little Mermaid."

The shark was spotted by the pilot at an altitude of 7,000 ft over Christchurch International Airport in New Zealand. Glen Kenny, president of the New Zealand Air Line Pilots' Association, explained the inflatable shark actually had very little bite.

'The engine probably wouldn't stop, but it would do a bit of damage,' he said. 'Helium is an inert gas, so there's no issue in that regard. The biggest hazard would be startling the pilot.'

The bizarre sighting was just one of a string of unusual flying shark sightings across New Zealand, thanks to the popular Christmas gift known as Air Swimmers - remote-controlled helium fish.