THE MAN WHO COULD SIT ANYWHERE

So, within my first week of college, my roommate had already locked me out (four times), thrown away all my food (it was ruining her "vibe") and smeared some sticky, black paste all over my bed ("for the spirits").

Then, a couple of days ago, I walked in on her hanging a tiny voodoo doll with my face on a little noose made of dental floss in the bathroom. Yeah. I was a little scared. So, I was the theatre star in high school and my friend works in special effects. We set up a little scare for her.

Needless to say, my roomie gave up the whole creeper thing when she saw me laying in the bathroom, "dead" and covered in "blood." Maybe I went a little too far, leaving a rope noose on her bed. When she came back an hour later, I pretended like she had imagined the entire thing. Now she is the best roomie ever! Love ya Katie!

SIX HUNDRED year-old Tatooine crime lord Jabba The Hutt is to replace Dannii Minogue on the X Factor judging panel, it has been confirmed.

ITV welcomed the new addition and revealed that acts which displease him will either be eaten immediately in a single mouthful or hurled screaming into the brand new Sarlacc Pit which will be installed beneath the stage.

The amphibious blob of fecal matter is believed to have signed to the series for a seven-figure package including two dozen slave girls, a big jar full of eels and the head of Lando Calrissian. A spokesman said: "Naturally we're excited to have a star whose notoriety extends as far as Mylok IV, homeworld of the Nharwaak.