THE HUMAN DUMMY

Facebook is today launching its Initial Public Offering, selling shares at $38 and somehow valuing the morons who fill your newsfeed with poorly articulated tedious updates at approximately $120 each.

With a market value of $108bn, Facebook is apparently somehow under the impression that each of their 900 million users is worth more than an iPod shuffle.

Facebook user Simon Williams said, "I considered investing, of course - who wouldn't? But then I realised that the majority of people who use Facebook are essentially bereft of worth, both financially and emotionally."

Controversial gas extraction technique 'fracking' has been given the go-ahead after experts concluded any further earthquakes in the Blackpool can only be a good thing.

The process involves forcing high pressure chemicals into places that aren't used to it beneath Blackpool, much like any one of the thousands of stag parties above the ground.

Fracking expert Simon Williams said, "This is great result for all concerned, as not only do we get access to a cheap natural resource, but any earthquakes could force Blackpool to drag its infrastructure into the 1980s. You know, we'll shake it up a bit, and then maybe they might be forced build something new that doesn't resemble a scene from Boardwalk Empire."