HAPPY ENDING MASSAGE

SIX HUNDRED year-old Tatooine crime lord Jabba The Hutt is to replace Dannii Minogue on the X Factor judging panel, it has been confirmed.

ITV welcomed the new addition and revealed that acts which displease him will either be eaten immediately in a single mouthful or hurled screaming into the brand new Sarlacc Pit which will be installed beneath the stage.

The amphibious blob of fecal matter is believed to have signed to the series for a seven-figure package including two dozen slave girls, a big jar full of eels and the head of Lando Calrissian. A spokesman said: "Naturally we're excited to have a star whose notoriety extends as far as Mylok IV, homeworld of the Nharwaak.

Reality TV star Tila Tequila said she wants to bankrupt organizers of the "Gathering of the Juggalos" festival where an angry crowd attacked her with rocks and bottles last weekend.

Cuts on the Playboy model and singer's face required stitches. And her body is covered with bruises, she said. An angry crowd pelted Tequila with rocks, bottles and human excrement as she performed early Saturday, she said.

Tom Green, who had performed earlier, described a mob of hundreds chasing Tequila from the stage and surrounding a trailer where she sought refuge. They rocked the trailer and smashed its windows. Tequila eventually escaped, but only after windows in her sports utility vehicle were smashed, according to the local sheriff.