MY JAMAICAN DAD

The philosophers tell us that everyone has, at some point in their life, given or received a handjob*. Science bears this out. Thing is, though, that handjobs just aren't that great.

Nobody really likes giving them, and, save for a pretty good half-second towards the end, nobody really likes receiving them. If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourself. At their core, they are fundamentally flawed:

Someone else is just never going to be able to do you as well as you can do yourself**. So thank your partner kindly, zip up your fly, and say no to handjobs. Here's why:

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."