We all think cats are cute balls of fluffy fun, but there's also something sinister about them. Sometimes you occasionally glance over at them, and you catch them glaring at you, it's not the look an affectionate pet gives their master, but a steely cold look of merciless hatred and repugnance. The look a murdered child's mother gives the killer when he gets off with manslaughter - there's something untoward in that glance, something unsettling. Like the cat is exacting revenge right there in its little fur-lined skull.

Call me paranoid, call me deluded, call me irresponsible, heck you can even call me unreliable but I'm onto something here, I've been onto it for some time, all I needed was the slightest hint of validation and I've found it.

Now we've established that cats are the spawn of the unholy armies of Lucifer and are all out to massacre our families while we sleep, you need to know the tell tail (!) signs, and just what are those? Is it a destruction of feral alley cats staking out your house, maliciously tapping baseball bats on their paws - the bats themselves strewn with matted human hair, congealed blood and skull fragments? Is it a pride of lions constantly cruising by your house in a pimped-up Chevrolet Camaro, shooting you the evil eye, then pointing at you and making a slicing motion across their throats?

No, that would just be too easy; they're far more mundane, far more ordinary, so check out this list and be afraid. Get your cat, before it gets you...

This is a new state of the art mobile, it's incredible. It's got so many new features that are basically undreamt of; it's going to make the iPhone obsolete, believe, taking a massive bite out of Apple's profits. Crunch!

It has some absolutely thorough features, like a shaver, projector and a mouth-harp! I know, it's so exciting! I wonder whether it's diatonic or octave? Anyway, all you Bob Dylan wannabes (like me) can now annoy all and sundry with your renditions of Subterranean Homesick Blues while commuting to work - Johnny's on the subway playing on his Pomegranate...

And just wait until the Pomegranate 4G comes out, it's going to be spontaneous man! It'll support third-eye applications, have a software botox interface, a Scalectrix keyboard, a geothermic powered portable music player and toilet, and a fully integrated elfin-band GSM simulated reality. Mega! Plus it has a cornea compatible docking station. Yeah! It's due for release April 1st 2009, I cannot wait! It'll be hernia inducing!

I'll see you at the front of the queue when it's released. I'll be the guy with the authentic Roman ballista pointing at your crotch in case you try to push in. Don't you dare.