CAVERNOUS OESOPHAGUS

Armed with one toy weapon in each hand, David Canterbury swung the Star Wars light sabers at three customers in a Toys R Us store in Oregon on December 14 last year.

The would-be Jedi then launched an attack at police officers waiting for him outside the store, successfully deflecting a stun gun dart, according to police at the scene. He was also said to have been mumbling something incoherently.

Judge Kenneth Walker handed the man a 45-day jail sentence, after he pleaded no contest to charges of assault and resisting arrest. The man was also submitted for a mental health evaluation.

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."