COLD BLOODED XMAS

For years YouTube comments have held the honorary title of 'Most retarded shit' on the internet. Commentators on the site, whose usernames are usually followed by a series of random numbers, have been renowned for their cruelty, stupidity and crassness.

"YouTube comments are the special Olympics of the internet", said Lance iPad III, web guru with TechnoCrunch. "It's like they assembled all the kids who sit at the back of the bus licking windows, gave them a keyboard and said 'Go!'."

The new site ChatRoulette connects users via their webcams where they can enjoy a video or text chat. However, users have quickly ensured that Chatroulette is a place not so much NSFW as Not Safe For Life...

AN EARLY form of Sugababes could have existed during the reign of King Henry VIII, it emerged last night. Documents and paintings discovered in a secret chamber at Hampton Court Palace refer to a trio of female entertainers know as 'The Sweet Women', who wore low cut bodices and caked more cochineal and lead-based poster paint onto their faces than other ladies of the time.

Tom Logan, professor of applied sugababeology at Reading University, said: "When Henry wasn't dissolving monks or testing the thickness of his wife's neck fat, he liked to settle down with a teenage Spanish virgin, a big bucket of goats testicles and watch three high society ladies slut it up on the dance floor.

"We believe these women - Lady Charlotte D'Agney, Lady Elizabeth Villieux and the third one, Beyonce of Arundel, could very well have been the first in the long line of tone deaf jail-bait that evolved into the current Sugababes."