Mitch Hedberg Quotes

85 points

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is f#cking clean

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often times, I will drop it...so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f#ck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the f#ck 'Soup From Now On' is.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.

So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some f#ckin' ass.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

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