Modern Day Nursery Rhymes

381 points

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its @rse and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Jill, the dill, forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her arse Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.

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