Tales about a Man

150 points

Tales about a man...

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander.
He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car
pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

A man was handing down the family business to his son.
"Now Jim," the father said, "just watch as I deal with this customer."
A man entered the shop and asked for a packet of grass seeds.
The father handed them to him and asked if he wanted a lawn mower, to which the man replied, "Why would I need one of those?"
"Oh," the father said "these grass seeds grow really fast."
The man accepted the deal and left $80 worse off.
The son of the shop keeper took over at the counter, when another customer
walked in.
"Could I possibly have a packet of Tampax please." he requested.
"Certainly Sir," the young boy said "and will you want a lawn mover with
The stunned man retorted, "Why?"
"Well sir," the boy said, "You'll be doing fuck all else this weekend, you
might as well cut the grass."

A man is talking to a lady at the bar, when he looks at her and asks "have you ever had a magpie on your left wrist?"
"No" the lady replies.
"Well have you ever had a parrot on your right wrist?" asks the man.
"No" the lady replies.
The man then gets the lady to poke her tongue out to which the man replies.
"Well it looks like you've had a cockatoo on there

A man walks into his doctors.
The doctor asks the man why he is there.
The man replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out
I'll have a look for you"
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."
To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

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