Tim Vine Jokes

442 points

"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"

"I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"

"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"

"So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "

"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'

"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'

"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'

"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! &quot

"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."

"I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."

"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"

"I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."

"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"

"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"

"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Get the Kontraband App:

Sign in to continue

Stay tuned with Kontraband

What's happening now:


Get the Kontraband App:

Follow us on Facebook: