Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

177 points

Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just don’t know what it’s like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit we’re not as mysterious as women, there’s still some things you need to know. Your man may just be too scared to tell you,

1: If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

2: When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
a: Unless the answer is yes.
b: In which case, can he videotape it?

3: Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

4: Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

5: Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

6: It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

7: If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

8: The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

9: Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

10: Don’t hog the covers. Really.

11: If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”

12: “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

13: Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

14: If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

15: Of course he wants another beer.

16: The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

17: Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….

18: He does not want to be just friends.

19: Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

20: He was not looking at that other girl.
a: Well, okay… maybe a little.
b: Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

21: He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met and all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

22: Your (select appropriate item) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

23: If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

24: Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

25: It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

26: Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

27: Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?

28: Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

29: Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

30: He heard you the first time. Honest.

31: You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

32: Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

33: Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

34: Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

35: His (fill in appropriate selections) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36: Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

37: A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?”

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