The Top 15 Letters To Viz

92 points

1. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on
iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa?

Les, Barnsley

2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty
pounds a month for my three bedroom semi?

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my
son's football match I was asked to leave the park?

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

4. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy
listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20
years.

Tim

5. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense.
The last edition of High School [email protected] that I bought featured a young lady
stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

6. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me
stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of
massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent
vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

7. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence
makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on
the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

8. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some
interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table

Magnus, Sheffield

9. The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV
in Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor s*ds?

John Campbell, e-mail

10. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

11. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the [email protected] quickly enough
the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

12. It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new
film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit
the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

13. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to
Australia with Jenny. She is a great [email protected] Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

14. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
Fighters. hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
Splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

15. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael
Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London

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