London Taxi Driving Rules:

111 points

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real London cabbie never uses them. Use of them north of Watford may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. It's all part of Ken Livingstone's plan to try and make London look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the speed trap hiding in the delivery van up ahead.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tyre.

Throwing litter on the roads adds colour to the landscape and gives road-sweepers something to clean up. It's kind of a job creation exercise.

It is assumed that police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, scrap yards, and new vehicle sales.

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