Which Holidays Are Best For Relationships?

116 points

This question has posed itself for me on many occasions. It just so happens that this last Valentine’s Day, and the lack of a relationship on my part, has afforded me the boredom, but most importantly the time, to write an article about this topic.

First off let me say that if you were hoping for “ALL OF THEM DOOOO CAUSE JOO GOTTA GURRRLFREN” you will sadly be mistaken. In fact, very few, if any, pose good fortune on those of you with relationships.

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New Years
Now you may be thinking, “NEW YEARS! SWEET I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY!” If so, then you suck, and you should probably slit your wrists because no one celebrates New Years, everyone celebrates New Year’s Eve. Fag.

As to why this holiday is bad for relationships, it is at this point that most people who have forgotten to create a New Year’s Resolution do so, and this includes your girlfriend. She will try to force you to join her in working out or eating healthy or to stop drinking/smoking pot. These are bad things.

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Martin Luther King Jr Day
The only reason anyone celebrates this holiday is to get out of going to school or work and get in touch with their inner civil rights. Fuck Martin Luther King Jr. and fuck this holiday. If you are dating a black girl on this holiday she will probably get all militant nígger on you and try to force you to respect her.

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Groundhog Day
If you live in Minnesota, or wherever the fuck they celebrate this holiday (because everyone else in America thinks groundhogs are dirty, mangy, disgusting animals who’s only contribution is that when you shoot them they make funny squealing noise)…what the fuck was I saying, oh yeah, if they celebrate this holiday where you live then they probably have a big polka party sing along, like in that ridiculous stupid movie with Bill Murray…the one that didn’t have a plot and all the characters seemed like disgusting stock individuals with nothing to add…what was it called…oh yeah Broken Flowers (wait that movie had a full nude 16 year old)…fuck I keep getting sidetracked, the point is your girl will want you to go with her to this ridiculous party that is hosted outdoors in the middle of fucking 30 degree weather (if you’re lucky) and you’ll freeze your ass off for hours on end for a goddamn rodent.

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Valentine's Day
Ah Valentine’s Day…all I really need to say is chocolate, flowers, teddies, and cards are expensive. These are bad things.

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President's Day
This isn’t even a holiday, who the fuck celebrates this shit. Fine I’ll indulge you and say you’re dating some history nut, in which case she’s probably boring as fuck already and why the fuck are you dating her? For those great historian titties? Get a fucking life.

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April Fool's Day
This holiday sucks because most guys celebrate this by doing something that is fucking hilarious to anyone with a fucking funny bone, but she always has to fucking take it as you being an asshole and why the hell can’t you do something nice or funny for her, except it was funny, she’s just fucking retarded.

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Easter
If you celebrate Easter you’re either a Christian or an 8 year old, and either case you’re an imbecile. What’s worse is if you’re a pedophile and she’s 8 then that means you have to buy her a chocolate bunny and hide Easter eggs which takes time away from doing important things like tapping that sweet 8 year old ass.

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Earth Day
What are you some kind of hippy? Ok I’ll give you that you’re dating a hippy, in which case, I’m sure hairy legs, stinky vagina’s, and disgusting dreadlocks are your thing. You sick hippy fuck.

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Mother's Day
This holiday sucks not only because you have to buy your own mother something, but because, if you’re Trizzle, you have to buy your baby’s momma something as well. You have a slim chance of getting sex though, pending you actually remembered the day, from your girl not your mom you sick fucks, but then she’ll think she’s getting old and get all pouty like, “Wah I’m an old maid” and you’ll have to take off her oxygen mask because tears from old people can drowned them while they’re laying on their death bed.

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Memorial Day
Well aren’t you a fancy fuck for celebrating Memorial Day. What are you some sort of veteran? You suck, because you’re probably older than Mr. Blackula and you already have to worry about things like mortgages and shit like that. Enjoy getting some from your over 40 wife. BAAAD

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Flag Day
You are probably gayer than aids if you celebrate Flag Day. Seriously you should be shot. This is bad for relationships because when your girl finds out you celebrate this holiday she will undoubtedly leave your goofy ass.

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Father's Day
Yeah, no I’m sure Father’s Day is great for relationships. She’ll probably say something about you like, “he-he you’re even started to act like your father” and you’ll explode and say something like, “YEAH WELL YOU’RE ABOUT AS FAT AS YOUR MOTHER!” and then she’ll cry. You suck.

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Independence Day
She’s going to drag you to some cookout that her boss throws every year, in an effort to get on his good side and you’ll spend all day wondering if she’d suck him off for a raise too, if that was something she’s capable of, for dragging you to this hell that is the office cookout. Khaki shorts suck and you look like a tool when you wear them, fag.

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Labor Day
The only people who celebrate Labor Day are white fucks with too much khaki. Only you can’t remember if it’s this holiday or was it Memorial Day that you can’t wear white afterward. Then you’ll realize that your boyfriend is giving head to some guy behind your back and when you approach him about it he’ll do that snap thing and tell you to stop being so bossssyyyy. Goddamn I hate that song.

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Columbus Day
Most people don’t celebrate this holiday because they say Leif Erickson discovered the new world some centuries before, but what these pretentious fucks don’t realize is that INDIANS WERE HERE WAY BEFORE THOSE FAGGY NORSK’S. Also your girlfriend hates you because you shouted this at her when she got all uppity about Columbus not doing shit in means of discovering.

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Halloween
This holiday, while it may seem cool in theory, is bad because when you get really sloshed and start making out with her, only to realize that there are about 3 other girls dressed as Nurses and you’re kissing the wrong one. Ha-ha you made out with the chick with the hairy mole and the lazy eye.

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Veteran's Day
I thought I covered this on Memorial Day. How many fucking holidays do old people need?

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Thanksgiving
I’m sure it will be loads of fun getting to spend time with her family as her bratty little nephews spill fucking fruit juice ALL OVER YOUR NEW KHAKI’S. Oh shit it’s after Labor Day and you’re still wearing white. Oh shit you just acknowledged the fact that a bogus holiday can dictate what you wear. You’re probably gay.

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Christmas
Mandatory gift giving. Need I say more?

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So I’ve discussed the bad holidays, but fear not there are a few that aren’t terrible. Here they are from worst to best.

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New Year's Eve
This is another holiday that you would think would be great, you get to party with a bunch of people, but when you find an empty room and start going at it, only to be poked in the ass by a deely-bopper-hat, and then have every drunk single guy bust in with a camera to get shots of your naked ass and post it all over the internets. But hey you got fucked, so it wasn’t that bad.

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Cinco de Mayo
What are you fucking Mexican? Of course not, because more American’s celebrate this holiday than goddamn Mexicans. But let’s say you’re dating a Latino broad and she celebrates this most holy of 5th’s in which case you’ll probably get really sloshed and so will she and you can have great drunk sex. These are good things.

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St. Patrick's Day
This is the best holiday to have a relationship on, and here is why. It is socially accepted, hell it’s practically forced on you to get shit faced drunk. How the fuck can you get any better. Oh yeah your girl is drunk as a skunk as well, and she’s feeling frisky, and her roommate, that smoking hot Latino girl you’ll probably be seeing on Cinco De Mayo, just convinced her to have a three-way with your drunk ass. This is the best of all things.

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