Bill Hicks Quotes

91 points

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f#ckin' mouth.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f#cking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

I've been on the road doing Comedy for the last 10 years, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this sh#t one more time.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the f#cking effort. There is a difference.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

On gays in the military: "We are the military; is that a village of children and kids? Where's the napalm? (explosion) I don't want any gay people hanging around me when I'm killing women and kids. I just don't wanna see it."

Ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?...Their eyes real close together. Eyebrow ridges. Big, furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day.' Looks like he rushed it.

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty f#cking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"

You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years - rrreal f#cking high on drugs. The Beatles were so f#cking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a f#cking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "aren't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? "Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration - that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.No, this is not a joke. You're going, 'There's going to be a joke coming,' there's no f#cking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I f#ck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest f#cking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading...for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hmm...I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is...so I don't end up being a f#cking waffle waitress.' But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes: 'Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' What the f#ck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!

I don't do drugs anymore...than, say, the average touring funk band.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your government is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their f#cking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Here's what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick.

One of my big fears in life is that I'm going to die, and my parents are going to have to clear out my apartment and find the porno wing I've been adding to for years. There'll be two funerals that day.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: 'Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons.' How do you know that? 'Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts.

They said the Iraqis had the fourth largest army in the world. Well, the Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest, and they've already got our airports.

When describing himself: Chomsky with dick jokes.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged, kicking and screaming into the White House.

This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we're hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row - 'Why doesn't he just hit fruit with a hammer?' Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. F#cking moron.

Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.

Just before he died Bill Hicks wrote a treatment for a British TV show called The Counts of the Netherworld, in which Hicks proposed that he and a fictional count from a Victorian-era intellectual salon discuss philosophy, modern-day affairs and the "complete rejection of popular opinion" while mocking people from a horse-drawn carriage. What follows is the manifesto, after sincerely reading the poignant words right at the end he mocks himself: 'Time has come to air the voice of reason, in a world gone mad, adrift on banal seas, for all who feel that lies have had their season and whose hearts cry out instead for honesty. For all the weary souls grown bored with dreaming, this thirst for beauty and for knowledge goes unslacked. For all who want to wake from what is dreaming to know what's real and what is real to embrace. For all who've watched with mounting horror, evil's rein upon this world grow ever clear, for all who've prayed in vain, emancipators, wielding swords of truth and laughing without fear...naaaaaaa'

Sign in to continue

Facebook logo
Become a Fan on