A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him: "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, But why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies: "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Joanne sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Joanne takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like
come to you?"
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
Q: How do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm ?
A: She drops her kebab.
Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex ?
A: Opens the car door.
Essex driving test: What is the primary purpose of the door mirrors as
fitted to a car ?
Tracey: So I can examine the soles of my feet ?
Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex ?
A: Do you all play for the same team, then ?
Q: What is the difference between a shopping trolley and an Essex girl ?
A: Some shopping trolleys have a mind of their own !