Tommy Cooper

129 points

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
'DUNG'

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said
'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said
"I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day when we
both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.
So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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